SATIRE: Obama's Oxygen Control Bill

26 April, 2009

President Obama unveiled today a new large governmental bureaucracy up to now "hidden" in a footnote to a footnote of the recently approved "stimulus package." The "Homeland Oxygen Strategic Evaluation Department" (or HOSED) will now be in charge of the "intelligent and compassionate monitoring and distribution of all oxygen moieties in the United States". Al Gore accepted the coveted "oxygen czar" post, which will be closely coordinating operations with both the NSA's "nanotechnology czar", and the EPA's "environment czar."

"This will be a great opportunity for all of us government czars to completely exert full control over O₂ over-consumption in this country, which the republicans have neglected to address for the past 8 years. This could allow for nearly 100% elimination of CO₂ emissions to curb global warming, way beyond my wildest expectations!" said Gore after a quick change of shorts from the construction site of his new personal state-of-the-art oxygen hyperbaric chamber. "Where there's no O₂, there is no CO₂. All humans, monkeys, coyotes, snails, ants, amoebae, microplancton, and even aerobic bacteria will just have to tighten their belts for the common good of the planet in the upcoming O₂ recession. All of us aerobes should share this responsibility equally."

Should any particular living organism require an increased amount of O₂ at any particular time from their alloted daily supply, the government will now have the ability to provide adequate and immediate guidance toward equitable oxygen deployment and/or downward scalability after convening an ad-hoc committee to undertake an appropiate evaluation based on community sustainability standards as overseen by the appropriate bureaucratic panel of public-private partnership regulations and regional O₂ content estimates as stipulated by IPCC U.N. computer models. Gone are the days of the unscrupulous spur-of-the-moment "jog" because "one feels like exercising." Deep breaths will have to now be evaluated on a case by case basis. A fully controllable "oxygen smart grid" will help the government redirect oxygen loads at will and extra oxygen distributions will therefore need to be tightly regulated, as complete oxygen inventory control is required at all times for adequate performance of the grid.

"We are proud to finally be able to unveil our "Oxygen Hemispheric Standard Homeland Inventory Tracking" (OHSHIT) after years of research and experimentation. We finally have been able to tag every single oxygen atom in the atmosphere with a nano-GPS-equipped microchip (VeriChip, patent-pending). We will now be able to instantly identify, locate, follow, and -if needed- move or even destroy every oxygen molecule known to exist in the atmosphere at will. This technology will allow the rapid transfer of large quantities of oxygen molecules to areas of oxygen need, as deemed necessary by the government SICNESS czar (the new Supreme Imperial Council of Natural Environmental Selective Service). Of course, complete and immediate removal of all oxygen molecules from large areas will be possible, which is sure to help greatly in the "global war on terrorism". Americans should now rest assured that their government czars will be able to thwart any terrorist attack by rapidly removing any and all oxygen molecules from any Al-Qaeda operative's lungs in a fraction of a second at a moment's notice. This of course will only apply to "terrorists"... and, as usual, you'll just have to trust us...yes, we may occasionally mistakenly halt a few non-Al Qaeda Krebs cycles, but the country will be safer for it, and that's what really counts!" said an NSA representative.

Obama's supporters are already lining up to undergo voluntary pneumonectomies to reduce their "oxygen footprint" and help "strengthen the social fabric of our Nation" through mandatory volunteerism, as President Obama has suggested in his latest "Jimmy Kimmel Show," "Tyra," and "Dancing with the Stars" TV appearances: "If we don't stop our arrogant consumption of oxygen, who will take the leadership in this world order?" said Obama.

An Obama supporter said "I know President Obama has already included a provision in his new health care bill to institute a committee to evaluate the possibility of mandatory left lung resections on all people over 30 to initially reduce oxygen footprint by 50% (which the U.N. has said is "too timid a goal"), but I am taking the lead to show the world how one can answer the global call for civic service through a small personal sacrifice for the good of the collective! My girlfriend just threw herself under a bus to see if she could achieve rapid 100% reduction of her oxygen footprint (even surpassing the U.N.'s requirements)...and she did it!! That's what I call commitment to hope and change. I just hope I can get my other lung resected really soon after I recover from this operation. Yes, we can!!!"